Every so often

So after a week where I probably felt sorry for myself more than I should of.  I shook off some of the irritation going on and thought about life in general.

It still bothered me that I needed to cut ties with Angel.    That was a 9 year relationship that I wish hadn't gotten so ugly.  Not ugly as in a "omg we were so in love,   now you suck a lot" type.   But more of the I saw potential and now I see nothing but dragging me down.

Do I miss her?   Yes in some ways.   But I think it's more of missing what was and not what is today.   What is amazing right now is the idea that I somehow "betrayed" her.  Did I say what I felt?   Absolutely.   I always will if I say anything.   I think she's hurting,  but a lot of the pain was by her own cause and her own choice.  

But there comes that limit of watching someone wallow in the mud of their own life and dispair.  And when people throw out the rope to help,  they get out,  and then the person dives right back in.  You can only watch that so much before it's time to save the rope and walk away.  

And then there is the return of Laurel.    Yes,  that laurel.  The one that I had to ask to leave when she "gave up" on looking for a job or doing anything.    She will be back in burlington sometime next week.   And no doubt that it will be her knocking on my door again.   And as I have been told by friends,   my butt will be kicked hard,  fast and continuously if I allow her to live back in my house.

The debate is do I stretch out anything in my hand to help.   She needs to be in a church,  but she's playing the joke wiccan version of life (not all wiccans are jokes,  but this is that variety of I can cast a spell and fix everything no natural consequence) type of practice.  The one that you find in any religion.

So that weighs on my mind of what will happen when the confrontation happens.  I know her,  I know people like her.  It will be peaches and cream but very little has changed for her.  She still is a victim and will be a victim as long as it gets what she needs.   I don't tolerate victims that well anymore.  

And then there is trying to get my head out of the sand and get physically better.  One more week where I couldn't answer the bell when it came to church.    One more sleepless night,  and one more where I can't get the answers I need.   its a continual playing of the same song.  You suck,  you need to do it for yourself but you still suck.

Something I can't afford to keep listening too.