Today brings me into a very strange feeling. The tightening of the mental muscles that happen when it’s becoming time to pounce on something. Now pouncing is a fine art form to say the least. But When you don’t know the target, it becomes a question of when and where.
The past two weeks have felt pretty good having taken some time from playing WOW. Even though it’s brew fest, which is one of my favorite game holidays the grind of daily wow life was sucking too much from me. And I wasn’t getting the things done that I needed to finish. It’s too easy to wake up in the morning, answer some emails, jump onto the game, and that hour becomes two or three. grab lunch and then pop back on. All while the errands that where are not earth shattering to finish, aren’t getting done. The exercise wheel is sitting at the gym not being used to it’s maximum and the butt prints in my chair getting just a little bit deeper.
It might be the change in weather. Dropping from the ugly 80’s to a much more comfortable 50-60’s. Or the difference in instead of having the tv on all the time, turning on music and letting it play in the background. Or a combination of many different things.
Finding myself in a similar quandary on defining myself. It would be much easier to be definied by others. But then most people pigeonhole others into what they understand, or what they can accept in little bit sized pieces. The rest that doesn’t fit into their pattern gets cut off with the unvoiced cookie cutters of people’s vision. Not to say that it doesn’t happen to the best of us. But it is a shortcut instead of accepting people for who they are and what they do.
What really defines us. is it that mythical line in the sand that says “Do no cross this line”. A friend of mine commented on something I had said, that if anyone wanted the rules that I play by they can just ask. The view of them was that didn’t I change those as I go. To me that smacks too much of situational ethics. something that I think ends up becoming the weaker of anything a man/woman can do in their lives. There must always be a line that they won’t cross and in certain situations they will react as such. That's what is the the mark of a human being. Not the nickname, or the titles or the degrees standing behind their names.
But even when one has crossed a line, can it be crossed back into a comfort zone? I would say no, because once that line is crossed, it becomes it’s own personality drug and it will be that much easier to cross again. If you lie to someone, it becomes that much easier to lie to them. If you desert someone, abuse someone or even love someone it becomes that much easier. To me even the lines become hard as rocks for the good things, Love and Life twisted in it’s own dance for dominion.
To rebuild a car, you strip the frame for the unnecessary and broken items and build from there. Sometimes you cast off things that are only dragging the project down. You repair and polish what can be salvaged and you keep what is working. Even in the human body and the human mind you have to break down to build up. Otherwise you’re just stacking pain on pain and confusion on confusion. And the iceberg gets built all over again (and the Twinkies taste that much more bitter, but they call on you that much louder).
In the end will it be worth it. Can a 40 year old man be rebuilt into something better and stronger. I will never be the 6 million dollar man. But that destiny still craves to be torn into voraciously with no abandon
and no regrets. Condemnation getting removed from the eyes I see in the mirror every day
Peace and Light.
